Wood, And Other Mediums

Jennifer Aniston, Aaron Eckhart and co-writer/director Brandon Camp are running out of the set of Love Happens following the final day of shooting. A PA sprints out after them.

PA: GUYS! WAIT!

The three reluctantly stop, and look back over their shoulders.

PA: Where are you going?!?

Eckhart: To whichever tropical island puts me furthest away from this set.

Aniston: To cry. Largely because the colossal failings of my love life have been on very public display for the past decade, but also in part because I made this movie.

Camp: I’m going to find a bar, get a table in the corner and divide my psyche in half. The director part of me will then chastise the writer part of me for scribing such a shitty movie, while the writer part of me criticizes the director part of me for its role in the production of that drivel. Once I’ve done that for a few hours, I’ll set out to put down a 1.75 litre bottle of Black Label—on the studio’s dime, of course.

PA: But we’re not done yet!

Eckhart: [Stepping angrily toward the PA, and growling] What in the hell are you talking about?

PA: Well, first off, we need to do a photo shoot for the movie poster.

Aniston & Eckhart: Nope.

Eckhart: Fuck that.

Aniston: Take a screen grab of some saccharine scene from the movie. The film’s pretty much just a montage of cliché hugs. You’ll find something. That’s my mantra.

PA: Well, ok, but we still need a title.

Eckhart: [To Camp] You never titled this crap?

Camp: I don’t know. I stopped paying attention halfway through the writing.

Eckhart: We have to do this now?

PA: We need it for the movie posters. We’re trying to get them out early, so we can make up for the fact that they’re no doubt going to be bafflingly unoriginal and thus entirely forgettable.

Camp: Well, the movie’s about love-stuff.

Eckhart: There you go. Call it “Love.”

PA: There are dozens of movies with that name.

Eckhart: Hopefully this’ll blend in.

Camp: “Love Actually”?

PA: Dick Curtis did it.

Aniston: “Love In the Time Of Cholera”?

PA, Eckhart and Camp stare silently.

Aniston: [Sighs.] I don’t understand love.

Eckhart: “Love Guru”?

Camp: Fuck you, man. This movie isn’t that bad.

Eckhart: Well, that’s all I got.

Camp: Yeah, I’m tapped out.

PA: But … guys, we still need a title. What am I supposed to do?

Camp: Think of one. I don’t know. Later.

Aniston, Eckhart and Camp get into their cars. Eckhart peels away. Aniston sits at the wheel and cries gently. Camp slowly rolls away.

PA: BUT I’LL GET FIRED IF I GO BACK IN THERE WITHOUT A TITLE!!!

Camp: [Yelling out his window.] Sorry dude! Shit happens!